I’m stuck in this emotional rut, you see. This rut of being happy somewhere, but struggling to accept it as ‘home’. This rut of wondering where I will end up, whatever that means. This rut of planting my roots where I am and being here now.
This rut, it scares me. Because I don’t know the answer and I won’t know until the very last moment, when I really need to know. God often works on a ‘need to know’ basis with us because that’s what requires faith and perseverance, and that’s what produces more faith and good character. I don’t know about you, but I desire faith and good character more than anything else. I’m not saying that to sound great, I really truly mean it. Because my whole life will benefit out of the overflow.
It seems unfair and like God is cruel by holding back but if we knew everything all the time, it would be insane on the membrane yo! Did you ever see the short-lived series ‘Flash Forward’, where through a global disaster everyone saw their future? It messed everything up because we’re not meant to know. We’re meant to be here now, do it well and let tomorrow take care of itself.
I think too much about how everything will work out, about how this contributes to that, etc. Yet I always end up at the same conclusion; I can’t do this alone and no man or friend can do it for me. It’s a God thing, it’s always a God thing.
All I know now is that the UK is where I have been since being a real adult. Actually, it’s where I became an adult. I don’t know what it is to be an adult in New Zealand. I do know what it’s like to be a school girl, a daughter, a sister, a friend, but not an adult.
I left so naive but so ready, craving adventure, growth and life experience. It was meant to last a year but life got away with me, and that year is coming up to four. Four crazy/beautiful years that have broken me, rebuilt me, and broken me again.
Only now do I realise that this is home. It’s always been about location for me, this struggle of having my heart in two places and never really allowing myself to settle. There was always a reason or person that was my excuse for being here. Now it’s just me and I still want to be here. Damn it, I still want to be here and it frustrates me. You may not understand but hopefully you do.
I went ‘home’, and immediately become the daughter, sister, friend again as if I had never left. But I wasn’t the school girl, I was the working girl that plays grown-up everyday in London. And it’s not pretend, it’s real. I’ve changed and I’m not mummy’s little girl anymore. That’s a pretty hard adjustment for any mummy and little girl.
So yeah, I did leave and there were moments when I was home that it felt so alarmingly obvious to me and everyone else. There were moments where New Zealand felt so foreign and that makes me sad, because it means accepting the end of an era that probably ended a long time ago. My childhood home was just that – the home of my childhood; my mother’s abode. My adulthood home? That is what I’ve created and that isn’t in New Zealand. That’s here, I am here.
I don’t know what I want for lunch let alone where I want to settle. But it’s time to settle this year, here. Because it’s right. I am not displaced, I am purposefully placed, even if I don’t know why.
Say it with me: My home is where I am, my home is where I am.
Do you know how I feel? Have you ever had to leave somewhere or something behind, and say goodbye to an era?